Artemis Fowl and the Problem of Hogwarts
by August Songs
Summary: Artemis Fowl, post his father's disappearance, is heading to Hogwarts. Will he shun the students, or will they teach him to accept? And most of all, how does this Philosopher's Stone thing turn matter into gold?
1. The Letter

**Hi! I am new here and this is my first story, so please be nice. I really, really would appreciate any reviews or comments, or even whether to continue the story or not; you don't know how much they make my day. Please read, enjoy, and tell me what you think!**

**Constructive ****criticism is always appreciated. **

**Disclaimer: If I were Eoin Colfer or JK Rowling, would I really be on here? **

Artemis Fowl was NOT amused. Ever since his father had disappeared in Russia, two weeks earlier, he had been ferociously busy, trying to make up his fathers creditors from his illegal ventures. All of which meant much email and paper communication.

But two days ago a letter had come. An odd letter, made of smooth, creamy white paper, a crest on the front that said Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And he had burnt it, or course, to avoid any undue complications. And yesterday two more of exactly the same type. Only they could not be burnt. So they were exploded. Today's sixteen were impervious to everything he had tried thus far. He was about to try the paper shredder when Butler came upstairs. "Sir? There's a… woman here to see you."

Artemis sighed. "Very well, then. Send her in." He thrust the letter into

The woman—if he could call her that— was odd in the extreme. She was clothed in robes of deep green, with a pointy, stereotypical hat on her head. She was holding a stick in her hand, and was at the moment waving it around and muttering. Artemis cleared his throat. "Ahem?"

The woman looked up. She had a strong gaze, even with her spectacles. Her mouth was tight, but loosened into a thin smile when she saw it was he. "Ah, Mr. Fowl. I have come to tell you about—" Her British accented voice was cut off by a cold smile from Mr. Fowl.

"Yes. I suppose, Miss McGonagall, that you have come to introduce me to this Hogwarts of yours." His expression was disdainful, as though she were a rodent of some sort. "Please do come in."

Angeline came rushing down the hall "We heard noises… Artemis, what are you doing? Who is this? Why is she still standing out there?" She then looked abashedly at the woman standing out there. "Oh, please do forgive me. My name is Angeline Fowl. This boy is my son. Artemis Junior."

"Motherrrrr. The second, if you will."

"Junior. Now what is it you wish to talk to me about, Ms…"

"McGonagall. And I have come to talk about your other son's unusual aptitude for magic. Where is he? Could you call him down?"

Angeline Fowl looked stricken. But before she could talk, Artemis cut in. "Miss McGonagall, I am the only son in the family. I suggest you explain why you have come to our house, blabbering about magic, unless you wish your visitor's license to be… shall we say, terminated. Rather abruptly." McGonagall tightened her lips and smiled falsely.

"I am a witch. I can perform a variety of spells—"

"Show me."

McGonagall tightened her lips again and flicked her wand. "Wingardium Leviosa," she said softly, and the doormat flew into the air.

Artemis, to McGonagall's shock, was not surprised, or even excited. There was a short flicker of satisfaction in his eyes as the mat rose into the air, but by the time she set it down, there was nothing left: just his normal cold façade. "Very well," Artemis allowed. "I will attend Hogwarts, Madame McGonagall."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: OK, I know most of you know all of this. But I'm going to be adding another book soon, so you can all just refer back to this. I saw this in another story and loved the idea. Yea or nay? Tell me what you think in a COMMENT (hint hint), but please read on! **

** Artemis Fowl: ruthless teenage genius. His father is in charge of an internationally famous criminal business, so Artemis has almost no qualms or morals. his father disappeared a few months ago in Russia, while making a secret effort to start a legal business. His mom, Angeline Fowl, is on the brink of madness since her husband, Artemis Sr, left. He has a body guard called Butler who is famously huge and can fight and win against almost anyone or anything. He is the best of the best. **

**Harry Potter: 2nd year. There is a secret community hidden in London that is full of Wizards. They can perform all sorts of spells that do domething, such as lift an object or turn it into something else with their wands. The young witches and wizards learn magic at a school called Hogwarts and get sorted into houses, which is a big boarding school, ages 11-17, that teaches subjects like Charms, Potions, and Transfiguration. Harr. Potter survived the death curse of Voldemort, an evil wizard who is trying to make a comeback. He has 2 friends, Ron Weasley and Hermionie Granger.**

**And without further ado, please read! I know it's REALLY short, but I wanted to get something up before I leave on a school trip for a week. **

Angeline Fowl was not pleased. After making a quick excuse to the Professor, she dragged Artemis away from the door. "Arty, why are you just going with her? "

"She is valid. That was truly magic. I have been wondering what this was. He glanced down at his hands. "Look, Mother." And he stretched out his smallest finger, and a small spark came shooting out. She gasped. "Oh, your father must see this!" Artemis winced and smiled. "So, Mother..."

Angeline sighed. "Yes, Artemis. You may go." Artemis allowed himself a slight smile, and walked out of the sitting room. Then he smirked, summoning up the spark again and concentrating harder, until it had been focused into a laser. It left the floor scorching as Artemis Fowl the Second left his home. "So, Madame, how does this piece of wood..."

(after a short apparation to London and several questions)

Artemis Fowl looked down his nose at the dingy pub, his lip curling up. "I am not going to enter that…place. It is an embarrassment to your school and it severely undermines your credibility, Mademoiselle."

Minerva McGonagall pinched herself. This was second-best, of course, to pinching the spoiled boy; he had been asking questions and sniffing at the "primitive" wizarding world ever since they had left the house. Tensing her muscles, she said tersely, "The Leaky Cauldron is one of the most respected establishments in Wizarding London. This pub is—"

Artemis smirked in that smug way that she had already grown to despise. "My dear Mademoiselle, the word "establishment" implies a organized business. This slightly successful lemonade stand-" he paused while Professor McGonagall gasped "- is nothing more than a large set of disorganized, overworked, poor people catering to the needs of even greater ruffians. And furthermore, if this place were truly a pub, its drinks would not be composed mostly of structural dirt. One would think that if this place is so successful, it might be able to find some money to update and renovate its appearance. It looks like one brick pulled out would send the entire thing crashing down."

McGonagall glared heartily at him, trying to stop herself from holding the boy on wand point and escorting him back to Fowl Manor. She smiled slightly at the thought, then cleared her face. "Mr. Fowl—"

"Master Fowl, if you please."

"_Master_ Fowl, The Leaky Cauldron is your gate into Wizarding London." And then, since Professor McGonagall didn't have time (_oh, who was she kidding, she didn't want to spend any more time then she had to in Muggle London with this overly intelligent boy)_ to linger on the front steps, she grabbed Artemis firmly by the shoulder and marched him into the pub.


End file.
